Thursday, April 11, 2013

Fragility

|ˈfrajəl; -ˌjīl|
flimsy or insubstantialeasily destroyed

The way through which this idea of writing the post came to me was fun. Thanks to one of the persons who recently commented in my last post which made me understand that lack of perspective makes a person look like a fool when coming to giving advice ( Especially while you are trying to hurt the listener through your advice. ). Any ways his advice was nice, made me understand new aspects of interpersonal relationships. Thanks to him for that. 

The fragility to which I am referring here is to relationships between people. Let me explain it from the perspective of my advisor. According to him there is a 'Dominator' and a 'Follower' in every relationship. This even gets fixed at the first moment itself and please note that it can never be changed or else it leads to ego clashes. (God! I never thoughts humans were like creeper plants.) This shows us that this man (who called me way too young by all means to have a relationship) has only experienced fragile relationships in life. A fragile relationship will go forward for a longer time when the so called 'Follower' makes himself/herself ready to take all pain to take it forward. The 'Dominator' will enjoy. This man might never have become a 'Follower' in his life. Everywhere he might have been just the 'Dominator'. Its sure that he is approaching a collapsing point in his life. 

Now whats the point in having a fragile relationship when at one point you feel yourself to be pointless and the 'Dominator' forgets when, where and at what time his/her partner needs the space. Just like that when this 'Follower' takes the time off; the relationship collapses. Is this what humans expect out of each other. This exactly shows how less understanding or purposefully selfish the 'Dominator' is in life. 

It should be understood that there is no permanent 'Dominator' & 'Follower' in relationships. It should switch. It has to switch & holding on to inferences from some common experience always end up in stupid approach towards life. If a guy says it he is a male chauvinist. On the other hand if a woman says it she becomes a feminist. Oh! I forgot, my friend told that they can be 'misinterpreted' as Male chauvinist or feminists. I do not think so.

Regards,
Siv

Personal Note to Mr.Binu,
Kindly note that I have taken your comments constructively. After reading your comment once I felt it was really good. When I sat back and thought I understood that it is just another essay on escapism and an epitome of how not to approach a relationship. As I am very 'young', I might only be possible to give you a good explanation on how to approach a relationship after a few years. I cannot give it right now because... because you know what happened was a 'mistake' like in my last post. Thanks for shedding some light on my insights about relationships & for spending your time to reply.

17 comments:

binu.work said...

Hi Readers,

I'm the same person whom Siv referred here as "the person" (who look like a fool because he came to give advice). My comment, for which Siv responded with thispost, is here http://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=463146115244368937&postID=4903357932486046944

Hi Siv,

Since you have asked me to read this post, I hope you are expecting my response. I'm quoting few of your words in my response below.

"lack of perspective makes a person look like a fool when coming to giving advice".
Better you could have said you are not interested in advices and you are not open for comments. Your words just says that much. And ofcourse, that explains your standard. And I never refer a friend as "fool". I mean I will never refer to a person as "fool" and call him "my friend", not at least on the same post.

"Especially while you are trying to hurt the listener through your advice."
With my previous comment, I didn't mean to hurt you. If I did, I'd be sorry for that. I have told 3 points, out of which the first one (about perspective), was for both of you, or for everyone whoever is in a relationship. It was not for you alone and nothing in my previous comment was meant to hurt you.

"God! I never thoughts humans were like creeper plants."
The fact is you never understood this, but this is the reality. And that includes you. You must have alredy got yourself references like "creepy", "disturbing" etc. from your partner itself by now. Quoting from your previous post (which is in your own words),

"She even said once that 'NEVER EVER COME TO MY LIFE AGAIN. DO NOT COME TO MEET ME OR DO NOT CALL ME AGAIN'. This was a response to the talk which they had a day before in the night in which the boy was really angry over few things he saw on social network."

She expressed her frustration discussing about you over social networks, and in return you created a whole blog titled 'Mistake' trying to explain the mistakes of your partner. Aren’t these the creepiest? Again, that doesn't make a person bad. Human beings are social animals (still animals). They are allowed to be little creepy sometimes.

"This shows us that this man has only experienced fragile relationships in life."
I have experienced all types of relationships. Don't worry about me. I'm not the one here who is upset about a relationship and created a blog out of it.


-------------------- continued in my next comment --------------------

binu.work said...

-------------------- continued from my previous comment --------------------

"According to him there is a 'Dominator' and a 'Follower' in every relationship"
With my references of 'Dominators' and 'Followers', don't get yourself into an assumption that I don't see people, minds, hearts, or life. They were just references, just like in maths when we have a question saying "one basket contains mangoes and apples" and we refer them as "x mangoes and y apples". But my references by itself explains the way each person act within the relationship. By the way, a "Dominator" doesn't mean one who commands or a "Follower" doesn't mean one who obeys. There is a lot more to be explained about these, but in short a dominator and follower are equally important in a relationship. If you have the ability to analyze, you'll be able to see the dominator and follower in lover pairs. I wish if you could spend some time watching them and understand the concept for yourself.

"the so called 'Follower' makes himself/herself ready to take all pain to take it forward. The 'Dominator' will enjoy."
That's just the way you understood my comment. I never said a follower alone suffers or a dominator alone enjoys. I just said a dominator/follower combination is mandatory for a strong bond in a relationship. Generally, in a successful relationship, it's just that the follower *enjoys* following because the dominator keeps the follower comfortable and happy, and dominator feels joy because he/she got such a wonderful follower who enjoys following him/her, compelling the dominator to feel more for the follower resulting in a more happier follower. This is like a virtuous cycle, and hence enforces the bond between two people/hearts by itself, unless an external force of ego breaks it. To reiterate, dominating doesn't mean just commanding and following doesn't mean just obeying. If it was just commanding & obyeing, they would be simply called master and slave rather than partners.

I still say it's always very difficult for the follower to end a relationship, but is very easy for the dominator. As I hinted above, a dominator do feel for their follower, equally as strong as the follower's feeling for their dominator, and that too love at its purest form itself, but only as long as they get that 'good' feel from their follower or only as long as the dominator feel happy about their follower. In your case itself you should see how much she was trusting you and how nicely she was listening to each of your suggestions (including moving to the city that you suggested), and above all, how much she was feeling for you. But it all lasted only as long as you kept your role as a follower and she felt good about you. Further for you, to understand what made her loose that good feeling about you, is something that you should identify by thinking from her perspective. You may assume different qualities, abilities, attitude, wealth, etc. that you possess to be the traits that made her feel good about you. And in reality it could be something different, more silly or more complex, which only she can tell you (or probably not, until she experience it from you again). In your verge to be a parallel dominator, ego clashes arose, making you loose those special qualities (that she liked about you), taking your relationship into a point where she could easily tell you 'NEVER EVER COME TO MY LIFE AGAIN. DO NOT COME TO MEET ME OR DO NOT CALL ME AGAIN' (because she was the dominator, which you didn't realize).


-------------------- continued in my next comment --------------------

binu.work said...

-------------------- continued from my previous comment --------------------

The title of your post ('Fragility') is appropriate. But I suppose that should have referred to yourself as your post here explains how fragile you really are. With this post you proved how your perspective could be wrong, and how you misinterpret events or words through your assumptions.

With all my comments above, I guess now I don't have to ask "Who look like a fool here?".


regards,
Binu

Sivaram Mony said...

Dear Binu,
These are what I want you to know. This will correspond respectively with your comments above.
1. I am always open for comments (of course). That doesn't mean that I should keep my mouth shut for bad advices & comments.
2. Ok. I can completely understand that you didn't mean to hurt with your advice as you clearly stated it here. Sorry for misunderstanding.
3. My entire point in the blog about 'Creeper Plants' was a metaphor. It doesn't have anything to do with 'creepy' or 'disturbing' which I can understand that you didn't get even close to understanding. Regarding my blog. I blog regularly because this is where I open my heart.
4. You have experienced all types of relationships(oops! Not my business). So? I just did not decide to open a blog over night to harass a person. Its just a post. Clearly shows that you are a person who sees what you want to see.
5. I will try observing people but I don't feel that there is something like a constant formula like this in life & relationship. Its just another human tendency to make things simpler.
6. Binu, You do not know what happened between the two during this time. Its again your narrow mind which is trying to put all the facts and figures into a common measure gauge which you already have in mind.
7. Yes. You are right. With all your comments above, there is no need to actually ask "Who look like a fool here?". Binu, Your last line was CLASSIC.

Regards,
Siv

Sivaram Mony said...

One thing I regret a lot even though I try my level best to get out of it is that this all happened when she moved into the city where I asked her to come. I did a huge mistake by letting all this huge crack in the wall happen at this time.

binu.work said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
binu.work said...

Hi Siv,


Quoting your words again:

"'Creeper Plants' was a metaphor ...... you didn't get even close to understanding"
Probably I didn't understood what you tried to portray. I never heard a usage like that and so I just made a wild guess that you implied "creepy" behaviour. What else is special about a "Creeper Plant" (when compared to a normal plant)? It might be better if you could explain what you meant by that metaphor.

-- continued in my next comment --

binu.work said...

-- continued --

"I don't feel that there is something like a constant formula like this in life & relationship"
We are living in a world which has proved that there is an order for even randomness. It's not just random events that form a person's life. And what I was saying was NOT a constant or NOT any formula. Each and every person's nature, relationship, issues, life, everything is different when watched closely. But always there is a broader perspective. When people are more closely involved into a situation, they forget or ignore that broader perspective. Most of the time when you don't get a proper answer or reasoning for a situation, that broader perspective may help you with an answer. Note that in a narrow/closer perspective, your problem is unique. But on a broader perspective, you are not the only person or pair who have gone though this situation.

I started observing people, behaviours and relationships almost close to (but less than) a decade back, when I was almost at your age. Before that I too was stubborn, confident and over-confident like you, and bit over and above what you could even imagine.

"Its again your narrow mind which is trying to put all the facts and figures into a common measure gauge which you already have in mind"
As I said above, I'm just generalizing to a broader perspective. But you surely are seeing things with a narrow mind by viewing the facts and figures from single perspective. You won't agree to it because that's the speciality of narrow mindedness. Hence you would see only what you could accept and may reject or defend whatever else I may say.

As said earlier, I have seen a lot of relationships, whether being a part of it or not. And I believe in evolving through learning and learning through experiences (not always it need to be my own experience). I don't like missing out even the silliest of the facts, which may happen if I think with a narrow mind. And I never stensilize the facts either.

"You do not know what happened between the two during this time..."
Perhaps I might not know everything word-to-word. But I guess I know most of it. It seems you forgot the first line of my first comment (the comment that you deleted already), where I said "I'm the same person who explained the 'desert' example to the person who told that to you". Which means I have already heard one side of the story. And after reading your post "Mistake", I heard the other side of the story as well. And "the person who told you the desert example" took a neutral stand rather than blindly supporting that person's sister, only on my suggestion. I suggested like that because I could see that you truly love that girl to the limits of what you know about love. But I could also see that for you and that girl, meaning of love is slightly different. Her ideology is more practical and close to reality, while your concepts are more fictious and just dramatic. That reminds me of myself 10 years back, and at this point I won't mind saying I was just a boy then.

"Binu, Your last line was CLASSIC"
I don't know why you feel so. By saying "I guess now I don't have to ask 'Who look like a fool here?'", I clearly meant to hint you that you are the one who is being a fool here, to simply defend without having the idea of few things behind the scene. You might have heard the saying - "കഥയറിയാതെ ആട്ടം കാണുക". This is more like that.

For your information, I have already received a feedback that with my first comment I have said exactly what's in the mind of 'that girl'. Instead of understanding or even trying to understand, you were more focussed on defending and calling words. Probably that's exactly the 'Mistake' within you or in what you did.


regards,
Binu

Sivaram Mony said...

Hi Binu,

At last there it is. You cannot stand it anymore and replies are just repetitions of previous comments without even trying to understand what I had replied. Last thing in life I want to know is I am just another Binu Raman in making. God! How simple the world is. I know how exactly you will be replying if you see this comment & you should kindly understand that I have better standards. I know you have standards as you started to watch people and understand relationship from the age of 8 (Thats a decade ago). Regarding your 'CLASSIC' comment "Kathayariyathe aattam kaanunnatharanennu veendum veendum pradarshipich swayam mandanakaruth." I know what was in the mind of that girl better than you or her sister and she knows that I do. Also I don't call people names. Paranju jeyikkan eathorattam vareyum pokunna iyalepollulla oralodu samsarikkuvan thanne enik abhimanakshathamund.

Regards,
Siv

binu.work said...

Hi Sivaram,

"I know you have standards as you started to watch people and understand relationship from the age of 8"
Sivaram Mony, are you just 8 now? I said I started close to a decade back, when I was almost your age. Any problem in reading? Oh.. probably in understanding, because that's what you lack in general. I'll make it clear. I meant when I was at the age of 22-23. Why in this world a 8 year kid would want to observe people?

"You cannot stand it anymore"
Mone Shivarama..., it's now very clear that this statement is true only about you. You said you have better standards, but from your last comment your have demonstrated your standard.

I know, if I call a fool as "fool" on his blog, surely he'll get frustrated. And it's very visible that me calling you "FOOL" has hit you on the right spot. You asked for it.

I know what was in the mind of that girl better than you
Fine and good. But only if it was true. Ultimately where is she? It's just that you assumed what's in her mind, and your assumptions were completely wrong, due to which she had to leave you. At the same time, she applauded on my first comment and said that's exactly what she wanted to say.

From this itself it's clear that your statement is just a loser's one. You are a FAILURE in love. And still you want to say you know what is in her mind? No use, you have already lost it. Don't behave like a kid.

Ultimately the "Mistake" is yours, "Fragility" is your state of mind, and you are reaping for what you sow. That includes 'the girl' leaving you, me commenting here, or even the "WILL NOT WORK OUT" issue that you explained in your post "issue".

Only in my first comment I tried to advice you. All the remaining comments from me were just responses for your comments. But this time again I have a serious advice for you:

"Boy, grow up!"


regards,
Binu

Sivaram Mony said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sivaram Mony said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sivaram Mony said...

Ok Uncle. As you wish. You are crossing serious limits and my standard is never low like yours to give reply for and stand and hear your idiocracy.
Regards,
Siv

binu.work said...

Hi Siv,

Every looser say like what you said. Losers quote "my standards doesn't allow to talk to you" to escape when they don't really have anything to say. That's normal.

I came down as low to your standard to talk to you, to respond to your comments. Don't misjudge that as my standard.

By the way, are you my sister's kid? Or did I marry your aunt? How do I become your uncle? In your "Fragility" post you mentioned me as your friend, and now you call me your uncle. Is all your friends your uncle? Or are your uncles your friends?

regards,
Binu

Sivaram Mony said...

Dear Uncle,

Contradiction at its best is what you can see below.

"I came down as low to your standard to talk to you, to respond to your comments. Don't misjudge that as my standard."

"By the way, are you my sister's kid? Or did I marry your aunt? How do I become your uncle? In your "Fragility" post you mentioned me as your friend, and now you call me your uncle. Is all your friends your uncle? Or are your uncles your friends?"

Replying to you have become just as easy.

Regards,
Siv


binu.work said...

so that means Mr Sivaram doesn't have identity too.. LOL

binu.work said...

താന്‍ സ്ക്രിപ്റ്റില്‍ ചെയ്യുന്ന പരിപാടി കമന്റുകളിലും ചെയ്തു തുടങ്ങിയോ ശിവരാമേ? I mean കോപ്പിയടി... കഷ്ടം....

സിനിമാക്കാരന് (film-maker) ദാരിദ്ര്യം വന്നാല്‍ ഇങ്ങനെ ആയിരിക്കും അല്ല്യോ? :-D :-P