Petrichor

 /ˈpɛtrɨkɔər/
 is the scent of rain on dry earth, or the scent of dust after rain

I have always wanted my writings to reflect my emotions. I have always tried in my expressions not to reflect my personal self but to give a shape to these emotions. Even if they form the inner self of the person in me I have always felt detached to them. I have never cried in situations I had to, never smiled in many of other occasions and it continues. How else could those happen if I 'were' not detached from these emotions. So this post is also about such a feeling to which I am detached but what subsided to me recently. Its like a 'PETRICHOR', the scent of dry earth which evolves around you while the first drops of water hits the earth as blessings from sky while the hot summer is at its peak. The highlight of this is, They only happen once in a year; that too for a short while and repeats every year. In my case this has now happened only once and I hope it wont next time. To state the fact... I don't want it to repeat. If so; am succumbing to the fight with the new me and old me.

When rain hits the earth, the dust particles rise from the floor. They spread to the atmosphere. The dust particles are just like the dust accumulated on our thoughts. When they rise themselves from the stacked or put away memories; they dance in the air bringing in old memories in form of visuals; right in front of my eyes. These memories are always mixed. They are either good or bad but they always have a tickling sensation among thoughts ;). Good side of the coin is that Summer rains come in summer; like how it is exactly meant to be to quench the suffering coz of the heat at least for sometime. So is also the emotion. It comes in the time when it is exactly supposed to. It came to me when I was getting deeply troubled in my mind regarding all things happening around me. It helped me relax and take out the stress from my life.

Last but not least. Before settling in to the depth; this emotion was completely gone from my mind. Just again like the summer rain. This is why I found this metaphor to relate the emotion too. No, If I say so it will be too much of cliched connection. I would say... This emotion is called Petrichor and I hope it never comes back like the summer rain every year. :). I don't want to relive the past even though it is relaxing.

Regards,
Siv

Act

A moment of confession is always dramatic. When you confess more than actually you should have; it is over dramatic. A random thought just grazed my mind especially after the reason turn of events. This got into me when I tried to see things as a third person after all this has happened. Moments of confession can be actually life turning. It will question a person whether he is actually the person whom he knows him to be. Was everything an act? With parents, friends, your lover & everything? The most funniest question which arises in mind is whether the act which you put out to the world (or may be still putting); is it just confined to the world? Or is it... is it... Better to put it this way. Are you acting to yourselves? :)

Regards,
Siv

Sunshine in my soul

Past one month has been equivalent to cleansing my soul. I took out a huge slice of my soul away ruthlessly cutting through my flesh and veins, oozing out the blood; just because I understood that it was slowly becoming a cancer which had to be dealt with immediately. So I did it, the other part of mine didn't obstruct my decision to do it.

Life from ever since has become beautiful. I went out to the world and shed out all the energy focusing on one thing; my love and life - My works. Results were outstanding and better. I loved it. I spend more time with myself; analyzing my good and bad. Analyzing what I did with my life, what I am doing and what I am going to do. Analyzing all the people around me whom I couldn't give much attention as i was diverted to wrong person in the past. I knew I was on the way of becoming the actual me but one thing kept me away from becoming the true person inside me. Those were all those dark secrets in my mind which I had even hidden from the person with whom I had to share it in my life.

Then it began all over again in one day but in a new leaf in the booklet of life. Yes I can say it as 'Life Happened'. I met a new person with whom i became very close, very fast. We spoke, spent time together, opened our ideals, thoughts and beliefs; weighed them against each others equations. Then came the moment when we both felt that this can really work out. I could see the bunch of positivities in the person. Thus I said all the darks secrets of mine and made sure thoroughly that i had nothing else remaining in my life to say or express. Yes! It was wonderful. On a fine monday morning while the rays of the just rising sun and the chillness of the foregone night from the waves of the sea were cuddling both of us from top and bottom respectively; we opened up our hearts. We spoke. Made our minds tie up to the feelings which we both were finding hard to keep hidden. Thus life became beautiful all of a sudden. I felt myself reinvented. I felt myself like that because i flushed out the all the thoughts of my life which I had never shared with anyone - yes! my dark and grey secrets. They were wonderful. At that moment I realized that there was some light falling on my soul. I searched for the source of the light and couldn't find it. Thus I closed my eyes and searched for it in my cache memory. Then I figured it out, I saw this. I was standing alone in the beach during the sunrise with the eyes glued to the golden clouds. They were beautiful. I loved them. Then i saw the reason for the change in me. The waves which hit us during the time were actually caressing my ailing heart and the love you showed to me was the sun's light shattering through the clouds; getting to me resulting in the 'Sunshine in my soul'.

Epilogue: I doubt whether I will spoil this too; because I am already on the verge of it.

Regards,
Siv

NB: This post will be different from my regular posts in this blog. Usually what I do is I define my feelings through a single word and then build on it. Unfortunately the emotion which is coming to me right now is highly complicated, so I couldn't find a single word to define it. So here it goes, I have named it - Sunshine in my soul.

issue |ˈi sh oō|

/ an important topic or problem for debate or discussion / | the issue of global warming | money is not an issue |
I just finished reading Chetan Bhagat's 'What young India wants'. The book is really thought instigating. When I just sat on my train seat, my thoughts began to question myself with the same pace I was traveling. I felt that above corruption/poverty/castism (The most discussed & expressed issues) we have to seriously consider another factor. It is the a expressed issue which we have to immediately deal with, or the immense power of the youth in our country will soon be channelized in a way against the national interests. I never knew such an issue existed unless I had to deal with it. To state a fact, I am still dealing with it.

The Incident

I am a film maker. I just know how to tell stories through visuals. I have directed around 10 films and edited over 30 in my 10 year long career. The game became more serious when I stepped out of the canvas to a broader spectrum. Enthusiastically I tried to bring one of the feature film scripts to life. All doors were closed, even to hear my script. The top 3 best reasons which I got were:-

1.    No family background (Irrespective of film Industry)
2.    I do not have a good financial background (They prefer money to script. These people never understand that screenplay is more important.)
3.    My ideas on film making & implementing new marketing techniques in malayalam film industry WILL NOT WORK OUT. (???) [Considering the gentlemen who said the both, did not hear any of these from me. Looking at my face, they decided it wont work. GREAT]

My Point

The suppression of  India's youth energy by putting a cozy image of a worst, otherwise clogged system should end in all field of work. This is very important for the future of our nation. I am not writing this because I did not get an investor for my project, my premise leans towards the wastage of immense youth potential. We should recognize that it is the most powerful energy & learn how to deal with it. We should reshape our system in such a way that the people with the actual & true potential should get the actual chance. It should into be provided based on family heritage, financial background or any such reason. The first step is to accept ourselves that we are the reason for such a situation. We have only learned to wave our heads to the whims and fancy of other. It should stop or else the infection around us will tend to grow larger and deeper.

Lov,

Siv

Cry |krī|

//Shed tears, esp. as an expression of distress or pain

That is a feeling that many people have written about. I never felt that I will write something about this feeling unless today.

Its not that I have never cried but it was that I had a different feeling today.

It had been a long day. I even finished a lagging melancholic novel. The day was so long that I went out hoping for a walk. Walk was towards the small restaurant from where I had been having food for past many days. The same road I pass by everyday seemed so detached to me today. I could hear other people talk, vehicles honk & Street men yell. I was not participating in anything. Even while having my food at the restaurant I felt detached to the surroundings. They waiters were slow as usual but today I didn’t feel angry today. I finished my food and stepped out at the street, started walking back home (room). The girls were far more beautiful today. It is tough to see a beautiful girl in this city. I did not feel anything when I looked at them or when I saw they looking at me. I saw a beggar begging out loud to a lady across the road to give some money. I just crossed through his front but he never stole a glance on me. Did I look so horrible now? Or the emotion, which was haunting me, was so visible on my face? I walked past the park. Did not feel like getting inside it today also.  I didn’t feel like talking to anyone even. Everything seemed to be like a zigzag in a carnival, running unevenly but in a sequence of course. I was the aimless bullet here. When I crossed a school a lady came to me and asked for an address. Suddenly I don’t know what went through me. I swallowed the feeling which was beneath my skin. I acted cool. I just gave her the direction.

Prologue

I feel that the feeling of crying can be just really felt when you can’t really cry.  I had this thing all through in my mind but not a drop of tear came to my eyes. Actually ‘cry’ is a ‘dry’ feeling.

Lov,
Siv

Prostitute |ˈprästəˌt(y)oōt|

// a person who misuses their talents or who sacrifices their 
self-respect for the sake of personal or financial gain : careerist
 

Written on 15^th March 2012 (Forget the posting date)

Browsing through the words from a story by Vaikom Muhammed Basheer ‘The Prostitute of the poor’, I was amazed to read the words he used to explain the prostitute. I saw the writer compare them to huts, houses, bungalow, forts, and palaces depending on the standards. How truthfull his comparisons were. Just like he standards he categorized them to the basic necessity of humans.

A random idea struck me when I sat back to think about the concept. Every big city has a very big circle of this community. This may even make us think how vital they are for a city to become very big. Just like ‘Bombay’, ‘Madras’, ‘Dilly’, ‘Calcutta’; the cities which had the biggest network comprising of these uncategorized business class has turned out to be the biggest cities of this country today. The world is running mad around me. It may be because these people let their tastes and interests to satisfy the thirst of these mad people that they enable themselves to thrive forward.

Prologue

In a new city now. God’s grace, getting to speak their language. Meeting new – new people everyday. Suffering deep suffocation from opinion from some people. Loving the treatment from others. Staying in a room where I can hardly move around and stretch my body. I am letting the city prostitute with me. On the contrary I am using my talents. But to the term, I am sacrificing my self respect for the sake of personal & financial gain. I feel like I should hibernate. Just validly pointing the lines said to me by a professor whom I met while a train journey ‘A butterfly needs to be a cocoon for a long time before it can call itself so…’

Lov,

Siv